Q&A: The Knight & the Queen

Thought I'd post this recent exchange because it's such a common question, and SO many couples are in this situation.

If you end up following my advice on it - PLEASE POST what happens in the comments!

READER QUESTION: How do I get her to WANT to spank me for REAL REASONS?

I've been reading Spanking the Male Mind in my spare time. I haven't yet presented it to my wife. I have approached her about wanting this before but she basically just chalks it up to nothing and nothing happens. 

My question: how do I get her to want to spank me? It's such an odd emotion, but I want to be controlled in this way. I have been spanked once by her on an erotic night once. But it was just a one time deal. 

I told her I want her to spank me when I mess up but she's afraid that since I want this that I will purposely do things to anger or hurt her in order to get spanked. I have been soul searching as it were to try and see if that is what would happen but honestly, I know that isn't my intention. I want her to do it to keep me in line, but only when I really do mess up unintentionally. I don't know how to explain my feelings about it. 

Confusing even typing this. I want her to put the fear of God in me if I forget to hold her after work or forget to feed the dogs, etc. I want her to command that I pull my pants off and lay over a table or a knee and spank me hard till I cry. But I just don't know how to get her to want to do this on her own. 

Yes, I'll admit I get some sexual pleasure out of it but I want both. I want to be spanked playfully sometimes but also when I mess up. And when it's a serious thing, I want her to humiliate and make me not want the punishment. You know, spank me so hard that I'm screaming for her to please stop. For some reason that night she did spank me, I felt so much love and adoration for her. I wanted to please her so badly after that. Sorry this was so long winded and all over the place. :( 

I'm just afraid to give her this E-book in fear that she will go the complete other way and think I'm messed up for wanting this for us. I don't want her to think i have mommy issues too cause that's not the case.  

MONICA ANSWERS: I suggest the Knight and the Queen route!

Okay, we all know that many women balk at the idea of spanking a man when he messes up because it would mean the end of him being her protector - now she becomes his mommy and that feels unsafe and taboo for many women. 

My gut tells me the best way to combat this is to go the Knight and the Queen route. You need to couch it in that kind of metaphor - where your job as the Knight is to care for and protect the Queen at all costs - and the Queen’s job is to rule the land, which, at times, means disciplining her knight.

Ramp up your masculinity and protectiveness, and let her know what you want in terms of that. And if she DOES spank you, don’t wimp out on her and get all mealy-mouthed and simpering and little boyish. That will just creep her out and make her never want to do it again. 

I say, even if she got you screaming and crying, when it’s over, stand up like a man, thank her and then grab her roughly and kiss her long and hard. And whatever happens after that, YOU be in charge.

About how to get her to do it for REAL REASONS, this is an age-old dilemma. Who says you won't mess up JUST to get a spanking cause you like it on some level?

My suggestion is for you to give her HTSYM and have a real talk about it. Tell her that if she picks things that REALLY IRK her - and, spanks you for it - YOU WILL SHOW HER IT REALLY WORKS. For one solid month. 

So, if you forgot to feed the dogs and she spanks you for it, for ONE SOLID MONTH you do that EVERY DAY. If you slip up - NO spankings for anything that month.

And don't keep reminding her you're being so good cause she spanked you. She'll make the connection. Don't keep talking about this whole thing after she reads the HTSYM book and your initial conversation about how all this works. 


After a month, you might slip and then she needs to do it again. 

ALSO, you could both decide that if she spanks you SO HARD you are truly begging her to stop - that earns her an EXTRA MONTH of good behavior on that particular subject.

I guess what I’m saying, make it worth her while. 

I assume you also ordered “How to Spank Your Man” - I would give that one to her. That's designed to give to your wife - it’s written in a fun, non-pervy way that gives her lots of options and ways to go with this.

Good LUCK! And post your thoughts on this below!


  1. well, as me and my wife are married for 17 years now, out of which 15 years of spanking, i can say that spanking helped stabilizing our marriage, now she doesn't tend to spank me often as our early years, i can say that i get spanked once each 6 weeks as an average

  2. I just discovered your site and found it to be the most "main stream" spanking page on the Net! I can't believe there as been so little activity since '06. I am 70 and retired and my wife of 40 years as spanked me for a long time and this is the first site I am going to as her to read. Please keep the site up! Yo sold be marketing these great books on line aggressively...anyway congratulations on a wonderful, literate site. Were were you when I was single.

  3. Very good ideas and suggestions. I do spank my husband.


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  5. My boyfriend wants to get spanked. He had introduced that idea a couple of years back. We had not mentioned it in a while. I did not think he was serious, as a matter of fact. However, he brought this to my attention a couple of weeks ago, like before Valentine's Day. The problem is he is 6'4". He is really lean, but it is obviously a very large height. Further, I am a foot shorter. Any positions I can use to rile things up before sex?

  6. We are at a point in our marriage when I know I need a paddling and I ask my wife for a paddling. She knows it is not a play paddling rather an ass blistering 30-45 second fast cheek to cheek paddling with a ping pong paddle. It will hurt. I want it to hurt. And she will enjoy it as much I will *afterwards*.

    1. I hate the man as protector. I LOVE being mommy and screaming and crying men. Stop stereotyping women with outdated gender roles that some women may still like but not all women by far

    2. I think a lot of women would agree with you. My girlfriend spanks me for fun and as foreplay but at first there was no real discipline involved in it. Then one morning I got up in a grumpy mood through having gone to bed too late. My girlfriend, who had gone to bed before me, was already up and had made coffee. I went into the kitchen dressed in just my underpants and answered her "Good morning" in a surly voice. When she asked me a polite question about our plans for the day, I yelled at her. She did not yell back, she simply said in a firm voice "There's no need to shout. Naughty boy!" So saying, she gave me several hard smacks on the seat of my underpants and then said "Don't yell at me again or I'll put you across my knee!" Since then it has been clear to me that she enjoys taking the maternal role with me.

  7. Discipline spankings for men must be dreaded not welcomed. The man should be made to cum/orgasm with or without help immediately BEFORE the spanking. Makes it hurt like hell. No man wants this. They should be hard with no sex for 2-3 fays afterwards. Obviously erotic or fun spankings are way different, less severe and can precede sex.


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